You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
