I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
