Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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