Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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