I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So here I am, sexting at work.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
