I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
