What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
