Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
