i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
