The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
