New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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