before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
