My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
