please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
