I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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