No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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