So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She's the barista slut.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
