I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
