Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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