he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
