im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
