I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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