I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize
