Im at strip club and am horny
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
