So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
