I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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