god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
