can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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