wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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