Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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