i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
