He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Couch. On fire.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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