And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
