how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
