There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
