don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
