did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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