i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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