I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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