My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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