I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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