I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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