ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
