I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
