Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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