I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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