Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
