she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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