I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
