I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Come see our sink grown plant.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
