You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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