Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
